Letter to Elizabeth

My Dearest Elizabeth,

How did they harm you,

How did they do this?

I’m infuriated but can’t even say it out loud. 

Words were taken away from me, faded away.

Even though you claim to forget everything, you quickly remembered when I asked you about meeting me… The first day I got to Tripoli I saw this funny poster of a barbershop…There was something about this poster and place that grabbed me right away. When I went out to take photos of the lights in the dark, walking toward the poster in front of the barbershop, there you were, standing like a star.

As I get to know you better, the way you held on to life against the obstacles, the way you stood strong even complained, cursed and gossiped made me admire you more than ever. 

How naively we dreamed about coming back to İstanbul with you, I, Berjuhie and Laure, all of us. Here we are finally in Beirut, with the support of all the people who believe in trying to do something right, i call you  and you are not answering…believe me I did not think of any negative thoughts…and then…

I came to Vahak and spoke to Mister Antranik who has one of the most beautiful bookshop in Beirut. I asked him to call your niece. İf you did meet him you would loved him. He saw you and loved you very much. As Mister Antranik’s face lost in deep sadness while speaking on the phone with your niece I sensed something was deeply wrong. He looked at me and said “She was killed..” I said “No, she died”. Again “She was killed, they killed her.” He said. I couldn’t believe it, I simply did not believe it could be true.   

The next day we came to Tripoli with Laure to Sarkiz’s house, then to Elizabeth’s, your house. 

Poor Sarkiz told us what happened. Though suffering from poor eyesight, it was he who saw you first. “If she just died naturally I could have maybe forgotten her in years to come but like this, I will never forget, never forget” he told me on the way. 

As we arrived your house I was so afraid and so courageous at the same time to face the scene inside. There was blood on the floor and a piece of the carpet was taken by the police for the DNA test to find who killed you. 

Your daughter, her husband, your neighbour and Sarkiz were cleaning up your house. Then the reality hit me and I could not hold my tears anymore. Your daughter and I hugged each other, she was also devastated. She was carrying the pearl necklace that I gave you..  it all stabbed deep into my heart.

Your daughter said “She told me she was going to İstanbul with you”

I just wished you could actually have come.. The picture you loved so much we brought it. You looked astonished on the plane. You were with us all the time. In İstanbul!

And the priest arrived then, he prayed at the spot you were murdered. That felt so comforting and I have no idea why?

As we were leaving your house we passed by the poster where we met. It was no longer there.

then…

some feelings inside of me had broken for good. I was revolted by humanity and wanted to disappear from the face of the earth. I wished I drained away with the water in my shower.

How could he do this to you? They found pieces of your murderer in your nails. You resisted till the end… there were two of them. How did they do this?

I felt sick 

We went to your grave with Laure and Sarkiz who was crying and protesting at what happened. At that very moment I heard you saying “Don’t cry!”. I got myself together and tried to console him. I guess that was where we said farewell to each other. Somehow we said goodbye to each other, didn’t we?

Your daughter invited me to her house and we ate her great food. We watched your movie. She told me she could only go to sleep with the help of pills and asked herself the same question over and over again. “Why?” 

“No one, even my husband, could not love me as she did.” She said. Yes you loved her so much, didn’t you? 

Now I get angry and I start to revolt from time to time. I ask for justice, I want your killers found so Sarkiz and your daughter find some peace. I want their souls to find some comfort at last. And then I remember what  Berjuhi told me as he was trying to comfort me “ Yes things that happened to her is just horrible but at least she is not in pain anymore.” But we are still in pain and have to live with this till the end. We are the remains.”

But you are now free like the birds…